


In the Clear

by Jaibesoindunbiscuit



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 04:06:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9218201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaibesoindunbiscuit/pseuds/Jaibesoindunbiscuit
Summary: "So are we going to talk about why you're down here training when you should be resting in a hospital bed?"





	

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter was inspired by a scene from the Brubaker comics.

One, two. Breathe in, breathe out.

"Hey, Buck."

In, out.

"How's it going, man?"

One, two.

"You know you really shouldn't lift that much weight without a spotter."

Bucky finally acknowledges Sam and Steve, dropping the weights and turning to give them an incredulous look. Sam gives him a shit-eating grin back. Fucking bird man.

Bucky turns to pick up the weights again but Steve puts a hand on his arm to stop him. "Actually, we need to talk to you."

Bucky glances from the hand on his arm to the serious expression on Steve's face, and he feels a swooping sense of dread. He's afraid he knows where this is going. He shrugs Steve's hand off and crosses his arms.

"What about?"

Steve glances at Sam, who looks serious now, too. Steve doesn't seem quite sure how to start (which has got to be a first). He finally puts his hands on his hips and takes a deep breath.

"I just got off the phone with Nick Fury," Steve says in a strained voice. "He was concerned about you."

Bucky digs his metal fingers into his flesh arm to keep himself from reacting.

"He says that you've agreed to every single mission he's given you; in fact, you've volunteered for some that you shouldn't even have known about. Which I thought was odd, considering you've been doing the same thing with the Avengers. That would mean that you lied to both of us about taking days off." Bucky's trying very hard to keep his face neutral. "He also says that you've been taking unnecessary risks, and that you've been refusing medical treatment."

"That's not true," Bucky bites out before he can stop himself.

"Oh, so you don't have broken ribs right now? And what about your face?"

Bucky had forgotten about that. He glances at the mirror on the opposite wall, taking in his mangled nose, the two black eyes. Looks like a burst a blood vessel in the right eye, too. Fucking terrorists.

"Pretty ugly, huh? It'll heal," he finally says with a laugh, knowing he's not fooling anyone.

"It'll heal better if you let Medical fix you up," Steve says. Bucky bristles. 

"I'm fine. I managed to survive by myself for years, you know." Steve still feels guilty about all that, and Bucky immediately wants to kick himself for bringing it up.

"Well, it's either go up to Medical or talk about why you're training when you should be resting in a hospital bed." Sam says quietly.

Bucky pushes himself off the wall, not sure where he's going, just letting the momentum take him where it may. He ends up wandering towards the door, even though he knows there's no way they'll let him go. 

"I'll tell you why you're down here," Sam says, looking grim. "I think you're punishing yourself. I think you're purposefully putting yourself in danger and making yourself suffer because for some reason you think that's what you deserve."

Bucky freezes. Every muscle in his body is tense. He feels trapped, he feels claustrophobic, he feels cold and feverish and like someone just stabbed him in the stomach. He feels hyper-aware of everything around him, the lights and the smell of his own sweat and the sound of Sam and Steve's bated breath, but at the same time he feels oddly detached, and he knows that if he tries to remember this moment later it will all just be a blur. He recognizes the signs of an impending panic attack. But he's prepared for this. He knew they would catch him out eventually. 

He didn't even understand what he was doing, at first, when he started volunteering for all the dangerous missions and throwing himself into gunfire and fights he didn't stand a chance of winning. He convinced himself that he was just trying to be a hero, to be a good little soldier, to make himself useful. But one day, sitting in the bathroom with the door locked so Wanda wouldn't come in while he was stitching up his latest bullet wound, he realized that all the close calls and bravado didn't come from trying to make himself a better person or a better agent or a better team member; they came from what the shrinks would call a "self-destructive attitude". And even though he knew it was bad, that he needed help, he couldn't seem to make himself stop. And the thought of talking to someone about it, of someone else knowing about it, was unbearable; he didn't want to dwell on why he was trying to get himself killed, and he certainly didn't want anyone else to, either. He couldn't hurt any of the people he cared about like that. So he just kept going. 

He's been trying to hide it, and he's been doing a good job. He's been lying to pretty much everyone about his missions, doing his best to cover up his injuries and acting like people were invading his privacy whenever they asked him any questions. But still, somewhere deep down, he knew he couldn't keep it up forever, that this confrontation was inevitable. He can't help but try and put it off a little longer, though.

"Is that so?" he asks, noting that his voice sounds very calm.

Which apparently pisses Steve off.

"What the hell, Bucky? None of what happened was your fault, you've said so yourself, so why are doing this? Why are you torturing yourself? Haven't you suffered enough? You don't deserve this!" He's yelling, and Sam's trying to calm him down, but Bucky wants to tell him not to bother. Once Steve gets going it's impossible to stop him.

And if he's being honest with himself, it's kind of nice to know that, even after all the shit Bucky's put him through, Steve still cares about him enough to get angry on his behalf.

Bucky's tempted to be glib, tell them they're wrong, keep telling them he's fine. He could probably half-convince them, enough to at least avoid this fucking... intervention. But what's the point, really?

"I don't know," Bucky finally says. He's forgotten exactly what Steve asked him, but that's pretty much his answer to everything nowadays, so it doesn't really matter.

The look Steve gives him is terrible, and he immediately regrets even implicitly admitting to anything. He's scrambling now to find a way to spin this, to make it sound like it's not so bad. Anything to get that heartbroken look off Steve's face. 

"I think," Bucky says slowly, trying to make it sound like he's admitting something big, not like he's making something up on the fly, "I think it's part of how I'm processing everything. I think, as I remember more and more details about... what all happened, this is the only way I can cope." He knows that isn't enough, but his mouth is struggling to catch up with the chaos of his thoughts.

"Wanda's helping me work through it," he blurts out. That's a big fucking lie, and now he's getting Wanda involved in this shit, and the ever-present knot of guilt and anxiety in his gut gets pulled a little tighter. 

"Is she?" Steve says, sounding surprised. Sam makes a noise of disbelief.

"Yep," Bucky says, hating himself, making it clear that he doesn't want to elaborate.

It's a lie, but it's a good one. Steve has so much faith in Wanda that he doesn't feel the need to push the issue further.

"Ok." Steve nods, looking a little bit calmer. "This conversation isn't over, though." He puts his hand on Bucky's arm again. "You know I'm here for whatever you need, right?"

"I know."

"Just... promise me you'll try and be better to yourself?"

Bucky's digging his metal fingers into his arm again. "I promise."

Steve still looks uncertain, unhappy that there's nothing he can do to help. Bucky knows there's only one way out of here.

"Would you put the weights up for me, Steve? I'm gonna go up to Medical."

A cautious smile spreads over Steve's face. "Sure thing, pal."

Sam, who has been uncharacteristically quiet, says, "I'll go with you; I want to talk to Dr. Cho."

He nods at Steve and walks away, and Bucky should have known he wasn't getting out of anything that easy. He nods at Steve, too, and follows Sam out the door.


End file.
